5 Steps to Dating with Integrity

Here you are. You just have had another failed
relationship, wondering do I want to put myself back out
there to and try to meet someone just to be disappointed
again. How can you take a different approach this time?
How can you increase your chances when you do meet someone
you are interested in? How do you avoid dishonest people
in your search? These are the questions I asked myself
when I was single and I was looking for my life partner.
If you follow the steps outlined below, you will get better
results in finding your great lifelong relationship!

Step 1: You need to know yourself and your life goals

A client of mine is a divorced and is having a difficult
time getting back in the dating game. He really missed
having a steady relationship and didn’t feel very confident
about getting out there to date. He took a shotgun
approach on the internet and met a woman who came from a
different cultural background, including a different
religion. He was happy at first to meet someone who was
interested in him. As time went on, apparent differences
started to appear. Yet, he did care for this woman.

We worked to clarify his values as well as his goals for
his life. How did he picture his life in the future as a
married individual? First he wanted a family and one that
honored his faith. He realized this would be a big
stumbling block with the different cultures and religion.
He also valued being prudent with his finances and realized
his girlfriend had higher expectations than he could
afford. All in all their values were in conflict as well
as how they wanted to live their life in the future.

What if he knew this information before going into the
relationship? Perhaps he would have not ventured to date
this woman and save himself the heartache. N.ow he has to
start the dating and selecting process all over again.
However, he will select someone more congruent with his
values and lifestyle goals next time that will give him a
better chance to have success.

Step 2: You need to know what you need in a relationship?

What must you have in a relationship to make you happy? Do
you know? Do you crave romance, physical affection, a
significant amount time with your partner? Do you need
someone who is financially stable?

I know a women, Donna, who became smitten with my friend,
Roy, and visa versa. They dated for at least 3 months and
seemed happy. However, she lived in Virginia with young
children and he lived in Maryland (40 minutes away) and had
his own child. Neither would be able to move because of
the children. In addition, Roy had started a new career
that involved commission sales and was not yet financially
secure. Donna broke up with Roy because he didn’t earn
enough income for Donna. What a tragedy! Roy was
heartbroken.

Just imagine that Donna and Roy knew that the distance
would be difficult in this situation and Donna knew her
financial needs from a partner. They would have not
invested their time and emotion in this relationship and
would have sought relationships that meet their needs.

Just a hint, if you feel needy in a relationship, some key
expression of love is missing for you.

Step 3: Do Take on the Tough Issues Early On

One of my clients was dating a man that she was falling in
love with and was very much attached to. After two months,
she discovered that he did not want anymore children than
the two he had from his previous marriage. She desired to
have a child of her own (a clear “must have”).

It was difficult, but she did decide to break up and try to
find someone who had the same goal as she did. Time is
critical for many women and learning this information
quickly is very important.

What if she brought the subject up on the second or third
date and said, “I’m looking to meet someone that I will
eventually marry and want children of their own”? She
would have found out right away that he choose not to have
another child. You say, how can I say this? Won’t I
scare the guy away? My philosophy is if the guy (or gal)
gets scared and runs away, let him (or her)! Any serious
contender will stick around.

Step 4: Don’t Get Too Physical Too Soon!

Time and time I see my clients get too physically involved
in a relationship much too quickly and then regret how
hooked in they became. They were in this quandary that
they liked the physical relationship but did not see a
future with the woman. And for women, there is a hormone
released during s.ex that makes us feel attached to the
male.

Resist temptation! It’s so important to get to know a
person and let the emotional, intellectual connection, and
spiritual connection for some, grow first. This is a
foundation of a great relationship. If there is physical
attraction, that’s great. It’s not going anywhere.

Take at least 3 months to date and really get to know each
other without s.ex. If there is a desire to take the
relationship to the next stage, being exclusive with the
desire move in a serious direction, at least you know that
you have the same values, goals in life and want the same
things. Besides, if the relationship turns out not to be
right, you will be able to walk away with respect and may
be able to remain friends. This step alone will reduce the
risk of failing in a relationship again.

Step 5: Make a Commitment to Be Honest in Your Relationships

In my dating questionnaire, I asked the question, “In
dating and/or relationships, what makes you angry?” The
overwhelming response is dishonesty. Yes, we can’t
control how another behaves, but we can choose to be honest
to another person. They will respect you for your honesty.

I recently had a client role-play how she would tell a guy
that she was not interested in dating him. I asked her how
she felt when she said to him,” I enjoyed meeting you.
However, I do not feel that this is a good fit for me.”
She said she felt empowered and felt good about herself for
being honest and straightforward. I then asked her,” how
are you honoring this person by being honest?” She
replied,” I am showing them I respect them and not willing
to waste their time so they can find someone more suited
for him.” Bingo!

How can you prevent someone from being dishonest with you?
Go back to step #4! Take your time and get to know your
potential partner. The people dating with integrity will
respect you and want to take the time for them to get to
know you, as well.

By following the steps above, you are ensuring a better
dating experience the next time around. By being honest
and straightforward with others, you will gain their
respect and be someone they may recommend to a friend if it
turns out they are not the one. All in all, it will be
win-win situation.